The Non-Linear-ness of Healing- Two Steps Forward, One Step Back, and Repeat

Healing is not a linear process. Healing is messy. It’s tears and heartbreak and never really being sure where you fit in- never really being sure where you’re going. But healing is also getting better, slowly but surely. It’s knowing that no matter how many steps back you take, the steps you take forward still slowly put you ahead.

Healing is realizing that while you are more than your mental illness, you also are your mental illness. It does not define you, and yet it does. You would not be you without it, but that does not mean it has to rule your life.

I am a crazy person.

I have generalized anxiety disorder. I have social anxiety. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I have depression. I have had eating disorders. I have self-harmed. I potentially have aspergers syndrome. All of this defines me, and has made me who I am. None of this defines me, in that I am more than the sum of my parts.

I am a crazy person.

But I can be other things, too. Those things do not and will not negate the fact that I am a crazy person, but they will also shape who I am.

And accepting all of that is part of healing.

Healing is accepting the things you cannot change- accepting that this thing will be with you forever, that it is what it is- and changing the things you can. It’s making yourself the best you possible, without pushing yourself past what you can be.

Healing is understanding your limits.

It’s knowing what you can do alone, and asking for help when you need it. It’s not suffering through panic attacks and anxiety attacks silently, not suffering alone.

It’s understanding your wants and needs and knowing what you are allowed.

It’s difficult.

A lot of the time, it feels like it would be easier to just give up, to just stay where you are and live with your problems as they exist now.

But healing is knowing that you can’t do that. That you have to keep pressing forward, slowly but surely.

Healing is slow. It is long. Sometimes it feels like you’re not making any progress at all. But you have to know that you are, and that it will eventually get better.

Eventually it will feel better.

Self-Awareness, Mental Illness, and Trying to Figure Myself Out

I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). These two things cause me to have social anxiety and paranoia.

This I know for a fact.

But I’ve always felt like there was something else that set me apart from other people.

I’ve always felt like there had to be something that explained my weird ticks, the things that never quite added up. There were so many things in my life, things I did, traits I had, that my parents said were just me being weird, or rude, or whatever.

But it never quite felt like that? It always felt like there was something else, like if only I could find the answer everything would make sense.

Entirely unrelated, but I’ve always been drawn to reading about autism and aspergers. I liked hearing people’s stories, reading the blogs of adults who had it.

They always had traits similar to me and did things similar.

But I couldn’t have autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It would be obvious. My parents would have realized it, had me tested as a kid.

Only, probably not, because my mom didn’t want to have me tested for anything. She knew I had OCD, she knew I had GAD. She knew this because she recognized the signs, because she also had them. Sp everything else fell into one of those two categories, or it was just something that was my fault- my problem.

Fuck, she still refuses to acknowledge the clear truth that I have arachnophobia. Literally when I see or think about spiders I almost have a panic attack.

But she doesn’t have it, so clearly I’m just making things up.

I have depression. It comes and goes, and it’s not terribly severe. But I have it, however much my mom refuses to acknowledge that.

So. ASD. I’ve taken almost all the quizzes, read every blog I could find. But I always thought “it’s just a fluke. Everyone gets a score that says they’re very likely ASD. Everyone can related- I shouldn’t trivialize their stories.”

Until I read Musing of An Aspie’s Adult Diagnosis (or at least, what’s available for free on her blog, found here).

She had the same thought process as me.

The exact same one, actually.

So then, of course, I took the Aspie Quiz (found here). Twice, actually. (I answered much more conservatively the second time.)

My results:

(The first time, when I answered what I immediately thought)-
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 165 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 35 of 200
(The second time, when I answered as conservatively as possible while still telling the truth)-
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 138 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 64 of 200

Both times concluded that I am very likely neurodiverse (Aspie).

The quiz then charts out your answers in a circle graph chart thing.

The first time:

The second one:

So clearly they’re both the same general shape, even if the bottom one is slightly smaller than the other (with the tail near neurotypical relationship sticking out farther).

So…yeah.

So then I went and followed the steps listed here by Cynthia Kim on the Musing of An Aspie blog, to try and make sure I had a proper, non-biased self diagnosis.

I’ve done everything on the list except talk to friends/family members. Because how could I do that? How could I admit something I can barely be sure of myself?