Well then. This one’s a beast to tackle. A combination of the idea that just because we’re in a relationship together does not mean you have consent, and the etiquette and rules of BDSM.
So first. Being in a relationship does not automatically mean you have consent. It does not mean I owe you sex. I am not obligated to give you my body because we are in a relationship. I do not owe you anything. And yet, and yet. That’s how I was made to feel, last year.
I felt like I was obligated to do things, and if I didn’t- if I was uncomfortable, or if I wanted to stop- I was somehow in the wrong.
The new man in my life- Gray- never makes me feel like that. If I’m uncomfortable, then we stop. He can’t be comfortable having sex if I’m not. And I know that’s true because I have stopped him. In the middle of sex. And he was…it was okay. Everything was okay. I was okay. He wasn’t upset. He didn’t try to convince me to “just keep going”. He didn’t try and convince me to “do it for him”.
Everything about that was so different, so…good.
I feel like I owe something, like there’s thing’s I have to do that I’m not doing. Like I’m failing, somehow, and he’s going to get bored of me because of it.
I don’t feel like I’m okay. I never feel like I’m okay.
Because now…now. Now I no longer feel like sex is intimate. I no longer feel like it’s something I do to get close to someone, something I do when I care.
Now, the closer I get to Gray, the less I want to have sex. And isn’t that fucked, that it’s once I trust you that I can’t fuck you, instead of the other way around.
Just another gift left behind from last year.
And then…and then.
If we’re gonna talk about consent, and how it works in a relationship…if we’re going to talk about Him, about before.
We should talk about basic BDSM etiquette. About the things you Definitely Shouldn’t Do.
I’ve read of lot of BDSM-themed fanfics. I’ve taught friends the basic rules and etiquette. I know the signs. I know what you do and don’t do.
Safewords. That’s a big one. You have to have safewords. Someone who doesn’t believe in safewords- someone who doesn’t respect them- that’s someone who doesn’t respect your right to consent.
That’s…that’s rule number one. Safewords are so very important. They’re a tenement to what BDSM really is- the foundation that BDSM actions rest upon. And yet, and yet. I ignored that.
And then there’s scene-ing. If you’re going to scene, you need to establish the rules. You need to establish boundaries, and set up the scene before you start. You can’t just…
You can’t just start a scene without permission. Especially not a vaguely non-con scene. Then that’s just….
I can’t. I can’t deal with what happened. I can’t put a name to this thing, this violation of my rights.
But these…these were all things that I knew. Rules I understood. I knew the signs. I knew what it meant if you didn’t respect them.
And yet…and yet. I just…was afraid. And in denial. And not dealing, because that’s what I do. I don’t fight, or run. I just shut down, when things get too bad. And they were too bad from the start, then.
My hands still shake when I’m alone in public on campus.
I am full of rage. Of fear. And I don’t know how to deal with any of it, so I keep talking about it and obsessing over it, in the hopes that someone will give me an answer.